VENT & UPDATE

Hey i'm back blogging again, what a surprise I guess. This post is just to vent like most people, then at the end of this I have a little surprise/update.

So lets get the crap over with so I feel better. So I'm dating this girl, she is amazing and I love her. I really do with all my heart. I know relationships are hard and never are prefect. I know you need to be able to talk and work stuff out. The fact fights happen. Still doesn't mean it sucks any less. So everything was prefect and amazing up until her cousin started to visit. Got her to start smoking weed a lot again. The whole time we have been dating she cut down and it was more of a social thing. Like when I do it. Now her smoking weed doesn't bug me that much to be honest. It's going to be legal soon enough and all it does is make you eat something and sleep. Maybe slow down your reaction time. It was the drug I enjoyed in high-school don't care to much for it anymore nor do I have any hate for it. What bugs me about it is that she can't balance it. She went from working extra hours and getting her shit inline to getting loans again leaving early from work and everything being a mess. Which from experience makes you want to do it more cause everything is a mess. Let's just escape it. Which is a problem in it's self. Nothing I can't fix and or handle to help her get back on track. Cause she has goals and places she wants to get too. It's hard to break out of routine more so when someone puts you back into it. now that leads to the second main problem which is really my only issue.


The ex boyfriend:

Dude is a piece of shit that hit her, cheated on her (she cheated on him so I can't say much), used her, treated her poorly. She dated this scum for two years, as he put her down and made her think everything was her fault. Even tho she was the one working paying for everything. There drugs, there smokes, food, rent, like everything. I have been there paying for everything its a hard job to do. Even harder when instead of being grateful that person is putting you down making you feel like you don't do enough and doesn't trust you. Cause of him they never had a proper place to stay cause he would steal from whoever would house them. To sell the items for weed. (another person who can't balance his drugs.) so after two years of this scumbag she finally leaves him and we get together. Again thinking is going on track. She moves back in with her mom, not the funnest thing to do but is what it is. Now that the cousin got her back into doing weed more again she started to hang out with an old friend. Well I don't want to say he lives there but dude seems to always be there. So her ex is that this house with her friend. Alright it happens. I just ask her to tell me if anything happens. Of course it puts me in a bad mood cause they had a bad break up. But now she is hanging out with him again and looks like they are texting. She tells me not to worry and that everything is fine. That she loves me and that is it. She could never cheat or lie to me. I honestly believe her. Doesn't mean I trust or like him. Plus the fact of how I feel when she hangs out with him. What makes it worse is she sees him almost more then she is seeing me now. Like we see each other everyday but that is at work. Outside of with i might get to see her three times a week she seeing him almost everyday. Now yes her friend is there but he was a friend to both of them. Also in my last two relationships my ex's cheated on me with there ex's which doesn't help. But trying not to over react and freak out I am trying to treat this like he is any other friend she has. So I tell her okay have fun with your friends text me after, or okay sounds good talk to you later then shit like that. When she is with her friends she normally okay with it. She'll still text me a little. Mean while it kills me inside knowing she is with him and she gets mad at me when I tell her not to text me when they are hanging out. Cause all it does is make me worry more. Puts me into a bad mood. Cause all I feel is i'd prefer to be with my ex that she doesn't want me. I know that is not the case. I know this could be solved easily by me telling her not to hang out with him. But I am not that person. I will not or cannot tell her who she is allowed to be around. I just want her to be happy. But I don't want to be the fool anymore that just gets hurt at the end. But i can't see how after everything this asshat did to her she could handle being in the same room as him. Let alone hanging out with him and talking to him. Unless she still has feelings for him some how. Which I could understand before she dated him they were best friends. Truth be told I don't know how long they have been friends. All I want to do is cut his throat open and watch and the life drips out of him slowly. I barely know the guy. Mean awhile she is out getting high with him. Which was what there relationship was pretty much based on. So yeah what happens when he tries to get her back. I don't know.

What I hope more then anything is that she kicks him in the balls and leaves and tells me. What I think would happen is she would push it off and just him being high and nothing happens and he keeps trying. The more we fight over this the more likely she will just go back to him. Now normally people would fight over the fact their boyfriend is controlling and doesn't let her talk to people and so forth. But that's not the case we are fighting cause her seeing him puts me in a bad mood and I tell her to have fun with her friends and to message me if something happens. We are fighting cause she things I don't want to talk to her. From that I take it that she thinks I don't want her. I'm not sure. What is happening for me like I have said above is that my heart can't handle the fact she is with him and talking to her when shes there hurts me more then any cut or punch or physical pain could ever do. I need her to make the choice by herself. It hurts even more then she chooses to go over there after we talk about it. Even when I know that is what she will choose.

She is the girl of my dreams, The girl I can see myself marrying. The girl I can see a life with. I get mad with myself that my insecurities that cause this. That if I trust her so much it shouldn't matter who she is with. That if what she says is true and that she does love me she wouldn't do anything cause she wants to be with me and she wouldn't risk it. Yet even knowing all that I can't stop worrying. Every time I get that text or she tells me she is going there. Is this the day where I lose the love of my life. I have never been so scared to lose something. Never been so threaten by another. I have never felt so insecure in myself as I do when I hear that. I just want her to be happy. I hope that she will just see that I am not going anywhere she doesn't need to escape, she doesn't need a back up plan. What I want to build with her and help her see. Is that when everything is done she won't even need me. Ideally she will just want me. Cause right now she needs someone. I feel like she is afraid to all in with me. She asks to go through my stuff and I let her. I have nothing to hide. In fact once I post this she will read this so she knows. She is the only other person that can unlock my phone. She can post stuff for me. I don't know what else to do to let her in and feel safe. I see my friends maybe once every two weeks minus people from work. She sees friends every day. Like my life is really just work, my masonic stuff, and her. Then I try to fit things in for other people. Like work socials or hangout out with family or whatever it may be.

I know I am a big adjustment compared to that scum of an ex, I think what kills me is that I know she misses things from it. I know she wished I smoked weed more, or that we had the same taste is shows or something. She went from being with a guy she knew everything about to with someone she is still learning about. Its not easy. But as long as she doesn't lie or cheat we can make it work and move forward. I just want her to be happy. I'm sure she won't be after reading this. She will be mad at me, she will feel sad. She might cry. She will think she is a bad person. She will feel a lot of emotions.

But all I want her to know is that I love her with all my heart, that I want her in my life and that if anything she is my princess. She is my baby girl, that she is my love, my best friend. my everything. I want her to feel safe with me and know she can trust me. Know that I won't leave her just cause times are tough or we get in a stupid fight. IF anything she will get more mad cause I will want to talk and work it out.  Okay I feel better i got to write this all down and express how I feel in this moment where I feel like a mess and that I could be losing the best thing that has happened to me.


As for the surprise:

I am going to be posting a blog post soon ( I promise) about the seven deadly sins. I know I have posted a couple blog posts about them. But I never go into enough detail for it. I feel it need more. So expect a giant post about the seven sins. Since i haven't posted since 2013 I think. I doubt anyone follows this anymore compared to when I had thousands of people looking. Well that's all for tonight. later

So my plans atm...

As the title says theses are my plans for the moment, First move out of the apartment and get back into my parents place... not a huge fan of this but its for the best. From there i need to redo the whole basement. Once that is done i need to pay off my credit card, then save for school and go to school. During this time there is me having a social life and getting my tattoos i want. Once school is done and over with pay off and student dues i have. from there i need to look for a better job and have a social life. Once either find a better job or i save up enough money to move to Italy. what ever comes first. Once i make it to Italy i will live in the family house to start with as i find a new job and start making a new life. Once that is set up i can keep the family house or i can get a new one. That is my very basic plan so far.

So it has come to this...

Title really means nothing, lol just always wanted to say that. http://xkcd.com/1022/


Now, Haley is gone and so is almost all my stuff. I don't really care though. When i tell someone what happened they ask me why didn't i take her to court, why did i let them take my stuff, why didn't i do this, or why did i do that. Its simple i don't care. Everything she took as a material object. It can all be replaced. In the big picture i lost nothing. I still have my apartment if i want it, i have my family and friends around me, and i still have me job. What have a lost, the answer nothing with real value. What has me mad, even after i let her live there for free. yes meaning i paid for everything. She has the nerve to talk bad about me on facebook. what a bitch, not only did she try to talk shit about me on facebook she had to remove me as a friend first. Yeah bitch i watched porn on your laptop, fuck that. i have my own laptop plus i was dating you and working all the time. i would like to know when i had the chance too. Since you basically hung around my damn neck. Grow the fuck up. Honestly the only time i used your laptop was to do virus and malware checks for you cause of all the shit you download. Since we broke up no one has been checking your computer so no wonder it crashed. Grow up thats it. your gone from my life and so is your family have got to bitch at A&W once your done. Leave me alone, don't talk about me, talk to me, or anything. I am happy that you are wrong and out of my life Haley.


So i guess there is no point in hiding it since your going to read this and know this part is about you, I am glad that your part of my life again. I missed you and still care for you. Blogger was the only way i was able check up with you. since i only post here and there i am still out of the loop. I am happy that your continuing with post secondary although i am sad that your not in the area. When your here we do need to hang out and i hope things turn out well. As long as you want too i will not turn on you. We have gone through it before. I will always stand by your side.

LMFAO one paragraph is all hate and like i want this bitch out of my life and i am glad she is out. The other is about how i am happy i have this person back in my life.

Last thing i need to decide is do i keep the apartment or not.

Start Over

So, its bit awhile hasn't blogger. How has my life been since my last post well its almost been a year. If i were to fill you in on every little thing this might take awhile. So lets just do some highlights.

Family:

  - My parents are doing well and are looking into buying a house and moving out of the co-op i grew up in. It will be nice to see them owning their own place instead of just renting something.

-My sisters:

  -Andrea( or Andy) is doing well last year of high school and looks like she will be graduating. She has two jobs. One at Tim hortons and the other at Booster juice. Booster juice has offered her a promotion to supervisor or manger if she leaves Tim Hortons. But it is up to her.

   -Nakia is just about to start High school. So young, to be that age again. She spent her summer at a Cadet summer training camp. She enjoyed it. I think she enjoys the money more tho.

-My brother:
 
  - William moving up another grade. He turns 12 in feb and then he will be joining Cadets as well.

School:

   - Not much as been done on this. I still want to go to school. But working and relationship shit plus living on your own makes it hard. Still my goal to go though.

Work:

   - Work has been going pretty well. I have been promoted twice. From crew to Team leader and team leader to Supervisor. Next step for my is Manger then GM. Where i can save money and go to school and leave fast food hopefully. They have sent me to a new location. Which is closer to my place.

Relationship:

   -Well Haley and I Dated for 1 year and 7 months. Living together for a year and a month. It been full of ups and down. But on Aug 16/12 Her and I broke up. It was all the little things that finally broke me down. We never really talked about anything important or had a deep conversions. She was happy if i hugged her and laughed at her dump jokes. They were bad. Every once and awhile she had a good one tho.  We really didn't have much in common. Interests wise, personal traits we had a lot of similar negative ones. The laziness, lying, and much. But the difference is i am changing that or at least trying. She never did the little cleaning things. The apartment is always a mess cause she will get to it later. But if i try and clean i get yelled at its my job to clean. Fuck just do it then. After a year she finally gets a job. She only works like one shift a week. They try and call her in and she says no. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK i work 42 hours a weeks. you work fucking 6 and a half. Grab the fucking shift and make a little more money so you can help out. Did you think i was going to pay for everything for ever.  I don't know how many times she has lied to me but i caught her on two big ones. First was school, she lied about going to class and so on. I knew she was lying but i figured the more i make a big deal about her grad the more she will try in school.... well i was wrong. I dropped over three bills on it and she failed and the only reason she told me was cause she got tickets and it would be hard to tell everyone not to go to her grad for no reason. The second one was after we broke up. She is still living here cause she has no family in the city. So being the nice guy i am gave her a month to move out. Well that changed when i figured out she already likes another guy and she had the fucking balls to bring him back to my apartment. She didn't know i knew that she liked him and shit. but yeah we got into a fight about that where she lived to me over and over again. So she has to be out by this sunday now. She wants us to be together then why the fuck is she looking for another guy, fuck that. After that fight she talked to him all night. He can have her, good luck man and enjoy my sloppy seconds.  But yeah over all i was unhappy and i can't wait for her to leave now.


Apartment:

    - Well Since Haley and I broke up ^. She is taking her shit and leaving. Which kinda sucks cause the:
        -Bedroom set
        -47" flat screen tv
        -Coffee table
        -China cabet
        -bookself
        -pot ware & dish ware
        -PS3
        -entertainment stand
        -lazyboy chair
        -The other chairs
        -card table
Are all hers. Now how did she afford all of this. When she turned 18 she got 20K, I told her that she could do what she wants with it. Although i suggested and told her what i would do is save it and maybe spend max 5K. She blew it all in 2-3 months.

   So this is where the "start over" comes in the next couple of months will be me and my roommate rebuilding the apartment. saving some money up and buying the things we need and so on.  I wouldn't want it any other way cause i don't want to fight for this shit, i want her gone so she can take it and leave. i have no problem rebuilding.


So yeah, Its a fresh start.

Family should be understandable, i have two days off a week. In those two days i need to try and have a social life, spend time with my girlfriend, pay bills, try and visit my parents, my grandparents, and Haley's grandparents. Plus you know sleep and there is transportation and getting grocery and house work. Get the people giving me that hardest time is my family i get 48 hours a week to do all that. the rest of the week i am working 9 hour shifts (overnight) then sleeping. To top it all off when i do get visit my family all they want to do is lecture me and question what Haley and I are doing and your plans. -end rant

Visit

So i am going to see my parents for the first real visit. I don't know how its going to go but we will see i guess.

Life update

Sooo its beeen way tooo long since i have posted something. Lets get started then, so reflecting on my last post Nicole and i are still not friends and i dont think thats going to.change. I owe her $70 cause the hotel fucked up how many days i said i was staying. So thats her part back. I am going to give it to her first when i have it and when i have time since i work almost 44 hours a week on overnight. Plus hold a social life kinda, dealing with bills, relationship, family, and sleep.

So as i mentioned bills thats right i got my apartment. Took long enough. But yeah it did set back school. I have to wait until haley gets a job or welfare and i can get on osap. Before i think about college. Which sucks cause i want to go. I miss school as funny as that sounds i like being busy.

The job at A&W yeah that title fuck it they wouldn't give it to me because i am on nights. But i asked to be on days aslong as i can get the hours. I was even willing to do nights and days. Which sucks cause i was doing that for a bit. But yeah you do what you gotta do right. Although i might get a job at best buy i got to bug the guy(Justin) tomorrow to see if the GM there is going to call me. I hope they do cause best buy is starting pay $15 an hour and benefits.

Joe and i might become friends again if i can push pride aside and say i am sorry. I miss the kid as a friend even if he is an wreck sometimes.

Where to start

The title says it all. I am so messed up in my life right now. Just as i was pulling it all together too. I guess i should have seen this coming i always fuck it up some how. Lets start with Nicole, an awesome person and was one of my closest friends. I even helped her get a boy she liked when i was crushing over her. But whatever that is not that point here. I fucked up at anime north and i did things i should have done when her and her boyfriend where still there. The fucked up person i am couldn't wait. It was wrong of me and fucked up i know. For the night you had to sit through i am sorry. I wish i could take it back. Cause of that one night i have lost Nicole. She was a great friend and i am sorry for messing up. I hope you can get over your past and challenges in your our character to do the things you want do in life. Never give up on things. I still haven't given up on our friendship but we do need a break or this will get worse.


The next thing is that at work there is a position available for team leader which is just before supervisor. Now i wasn't sure i was going to go for it cause i wanted to keep my night shift. But then i was thinking i need to move forward in life i can't just stop where i am and need to you up until i have out grown it or surpassed it. Whatever the case my be. So i am the first one to have the interview done and i don't know how long it will take for them to choose. They wont give me a hint on how well i did. I know i messed up on the last question but i know the right answer now and i would go by it. oh well i guess what happens happens.


This one kinda ties in with the last point. But i am putting off college until the semester cause i have to get a apartment for Haley and I since her family is planing on going to north bay for a job and she doesn't want to go. She has moved to much in her life and her family is too chaotic. People have no idea how raw a person is when they are in high school and how much stress is in high school alone. Parents treat you like shit cause they feel like you doing nothing. where for school each class things they are most important and you get stupid homework. Then there is your social a life with drama on its only level and if you work there more time gone which your parents nor you teachers would understand for some reason. So yeah i love Haley and i gave her a choice you can stay with your family then you would be leaving me. Which is fine i understand that. It is her family like i wouldn't stand in her way, all i want is for her to be happy. or i told her i would but my life on pause and get a apartment for her and I. After that i would go to college part time and get osap since i would be by "myself" in Mohawks eyes since i would be the only one paying the bill for a bit. Cause of that i would be accepted for OSAP.

The pressure of getting an apartment at my age and with school, social problems and all that and on top of that money problems in i owe money as it is. i have to give a grand to the bank for my visa. So yeah i am stressed out a bit i keep a smile when i can and i work through it all.

random story i read and made me laugh

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be an mechanic" said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault."

Tumblr

Tumblr is soo freaking stupid. People think they are blogging by stealing other peoples photos. NO that is not Blogging, idk what to call it. There is wordpress.com it is a blog, there is blogger, this is a blog. I am sure there is thousands more. A blog is where u write about what you want in feel detail and depth. not a something that is like a twitter post and comes with a stupid picture.

response to Haley

So this is a blog post in response to Haley's http://hu4lbaby-haley.blogspot.com/2011/01/stronger-better-greater.html

Haley i can say thing same thing over and over again. I wake up in the morning and my first thought is of you, as i lay down at night before i go to sleep my last thought is of you. You are beautiful in my eyes. Your new to a relationship with a guy like me so it seems. I wish your past boyfriends cared for you like i did. so that you could find it easier to open up. Thats okay i make you happy and thats important. Although you make me forget about my past and look forward to what lies ahead. Every time we are together we grow, we become closer and we learn. Just like you i am glad we took the chance to move forward. Together <3

A site u deff need to check out.

Stumbleupon.com

OK AWESOME SITE. i use it anytime i am bored. so u make an account(free in case anyone is worried xD ) second u pick what u like out of a large list of topics. third u stumble. all this does is like flicking the switch on the remote to the tv. it sends you to a random webpage that has something to do with what u like. Since there is alot more sites then channels you can spend a lot of time there. You also learn alot and find funny shit. Even remember old stuff u forgot about. Deff check this site out and use it.

Also check out xkcd

So its a web comic site. if u have not heard of it once i would be surprised. Cause its cool too. they update it 3 times a week. with new webcomics. Some are cute, or stupid funny, or smart funny. some more tech funny some more just out there. Deff random ones. its it worth it. I always check it when it updates.

OK now that is done

So now that i finished that post i said i would i have other stuff to blog about so i can now, :) yay

So we all know i am moving on from my past relationship with Corrine and i saw her yesterday at cadets and i was fine. (y) So i am good, i can control my emotions or maybe i have finally moved on idk. but either way i am good and it didn't hurt me to see her.

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Even better is I told Haley how i was still hung up on my ex and all that and she was like you need to move on and so on. She asked me out and i was like i don't think i am ready but i am willing to see you and see how it goes. She agreed to that. But i enjoy being around her and she is so far making me happy and making me feel important. Its a new feeling i tend to like. so i think i am going to go steady with her (Y).

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Coop is almost over and i am happy, coop has just been so bad this year omg. I dread going to it every morning and then going to work. I can't wait until it is done and i can be sleep in a bit and work full time until sept.
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Then there is the apartment.... Narcy is not sure if he can do it now. Like he will come out in march but he is not sure if he can in sept cause if he gets into a recent university. With out Narcy Eric is like i can't make rent blah blah blah. so the solution is the Narcy and i get a one bedroom instead and rent that until Eric comes in sept. See who goes to school where and find out who is staying in the apartment. I need to start looking around but still i need to wait until like feb doing it now is still to early.
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I hate getting ask to buy stuff and random bills coming in when they feel like it. like if i buy u make the bill come that day i shouldn't have to wait 3 days to see the charge on my visa >.>

SEVEN MOTHER FUCKING SINS

Alright to start off i have done a piece on this before. Although it was me explain what i thought the sin was and how it reflected on a relationship. http://doms-blogthing.blogspot.com/2010/08/problem.html

Now this time i want to compare the old sins and the modern sins. Cause though out time they have changed. Not going to lie i wanted more time to do this but i want to blog about other things but i said this was going to be my next blog post so bare with me.

Extravagance/lust:
Extravagance was the original name for the sin. the meaning behind the word was extravagant behaviour includes the frequent purchase of luxury goods and forms of debauchery. In the Romance languages evolved to have an exclusively sexual meaning. Although in the 14th century the word lost it sexual meaning and lust was the new word for it. Lust or lechery is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature. This sin is still the same now back then compared to know is that you wont die from sleeping with your neighbor's wife, well at least legally.


Gluttony surprisingly hasn't changed. I will take a guess that the reason is it a good word that hasn't changed and can mean different things. Now gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste. In the Christian religions, it is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food or its withholding from the needy. Now there is different types of gluttony. I was a little surprised lol. Praepropere which is eating too soon, Laute eating too expensively, Nimis eating too much, Ardenter eating too eagerly, Studiose eating too daintily, and Forente eating wildly.

Avarice/Covetousness/Greed wow it has a lot of names. Greed is, like lust and gluttony, a sin of excess. However, greed as seen by the church is applied to a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth, status, and power. Greed is very simple and hasn't changed so i am not going into farther detail.


Sloth the work has not changed although my meaning has. I believe both of them are right but hey whatever. Sloth in the olden times meant the failure of utilizing ones gifts or talents. In modern time it referrers to being lazy and indifference.

Also something of note some instead of Slot say Acedia or Despair. Acedia is not to care for something that you should. it is consider depression without joy. Despair is the precipitating cause of suicide, cause the feelings that come with it are loneliness, hopelessness, and pessimism. Despair was suppose to be mental and faith, where Acedia is more physical.

Wrath/Anger/Rage really they all mean the same thing. The uncontrollable and inordinate feeling of hatred. Wrath in its purest form is shown with self-destructiveness and violence. Wrath can manifest in different form which include impatience, revenge, and vigilantism. Although in it purest form it can be shown with self-destructiveness, it is the only sin not associated with self-interest and selfishness. Although one can be wrathful for selfish reason it is closer to the sin of Envy.

Envy is a lot like Greed and can lead to wrath. Envy can be defined in a couple ways i like this one, a desire to deprive another of theirs. Although it is also know as sorrow for another's good. The reason Envy and Greed and different is the Greed relates to more material goods where Envy may apply more generally. Also Envy is the feeling you are lacking something there forever everyone should lack it.

Pride/hubris is considered the original and most serious of the sins. I believe is it can lead to any of them. Hubris is the desire to be more important, attractive, intelligent, and so on. The idea of more because you are better then others. The story you can relate this sin to is the story of Lucifer, his pride was what caused his fall from heaven. By competing with god. He was transformed into Satan.

There we go my post on the seven sins once again.

blog blog blog

quick recap on my last blog and so on, i am finally able to control feelings again and able to move on until the next time Corrine and i date....

So i feel as if i am becoming more anti social. Not by choice i think i don't know. i am forcing myself to hang out with people and talk to people. Really what i want is too lock everyone out right now. I don't want to go to coop, work, and hang out with friends at the moment. I don't want to deal with my family. I just want to be alone and think. But i know that it is wrong of me to do such things. Therefore i make plans i talk to people. I work, i go to coop. I try to deal with my family.

Now i will be hypocritical here and after telling Nicole that she should have had two different posts cause things did not relate i will do the same.

So on sunday i might have a date with Michelle, i am not ready for a relationship still, thanks to Corrine but i am getting there. I don't know how i feel about Michelle. What makes it even more like blunt is that she asked me if i liked her. i don't know. But i need to date again, i need to talk with people. so this is like killing two birds with one stone. I did like Michelle i know that. i might still feel the same but cause of Corrine I don't know. Although i don't think Michelle likes me. like that so i don't know why i am stuck on that thought.

Also Shannon and i are a lot closer now. We are even slightly flirting now. Although it is different then how i normally would flirt it is still cute. It makes me happy tho. Her and i talk like all day about everything and nothing. I wish i had more free time so i could attempt to go on a date with her.

My next blog post will be about the seven sins again. i want to redo it. I don't want to relate it to relationship this time either. just what they are as the dictionary describes them and the bible, then my view.

FIRST LABEL

Now is just like every time and know just like then I am hurt. Now feeling worthless and untrusting of others; that I want to trust. you do you do this. Better question why do i let you knowing whats going to happen, I jump for it hoping it will be different. but every time no matter how much time passes it ends the same.... I just want you to know I love you and once you how much I care and that no one is like me. That I am right here. That I have gone though so much for you and will go though so much more. Maybe I will find someone else and they will realize what they have. They will make me happy they way you can. They say you have three great women in my life and I know your one of them. Which means I have two more but I don`t know if I want them. Or at least i don`t want them right now. Cause for some crazy reason i still believe in you. I still want you. Even though all you have done in the end is hurt me. The moments you have made me smile and happy mean so much more. I just want to get this off my chest maybe I will feel better, maybe this will help me move on. Once again all i want you to know is that i love you Corrine and that you have impacted my life in such a massive way. Just wish you could fully understand.

110 but like that matters right

anyways in answer to my last blog post i was right. we are dating and it is going to suck cause i can't see her until like next week cause i work weds to sunday and like i could ask her to hang tomorrow. but like i seen her the past 3 days so i don't want to sound clinging and like annoying. but at the same time seeing her at cadets sucks cause we are both like super busy and like can't talk and at cadets we can't show anything anyways. so yeah

why.. i don't understand.

Ok this blog post could be too early for me to rant. but i need to vent so too bad.

So for people who read this and know me. You guys know that i really liked Corrine and she is the only person i have given a second chance to. But it didn't turn out well i was favoring and she liked someone else. YET it has come back again. that we like each other. I am willing to give her another shot. WHY... i don't understand. I never give second changes she was the first and now she is the first to get a third. Like do i love her? i really don't know. All i want to do when i am around her is hold her. keep her close and talk about anything. But the fact has not changed she hurt me the first time and the second time i kinda was like its not going to happen and i was into Kayla more and Corrine was into Jared more. so how will this third time play out. like ugh. i get to see her tomorrow and i said we need to talk. since she text me saying how she wanted to kiss me. after we were like semi cuddling. IDK. thats why this blog is early cause after i talk to her tomorrow hopefully i will know whats going on

College

Well yesterday Dec 1st, i went to my coop seminar and got to see a whole bunch of people. Which is nice, the seminar itself was funny since i kinda just left and didn't do work. since i don't need too. I went to guidance and got some green or yellow paper idk. Either way it ended with me applying for college. So i applied at Mohawk college, the fennel campus for pretech. why pretech cause i was lazy in high school and didn't grab grade 12 math xD. Oh well it will shorten my second year when i start computer engineering cause i will already have a lot of the credits. Besides i never do things the easy way anyways. if it will talk longer hopefully i will learn more. Since i am not a genius or smart. I have to work hard for everything. so maybe longer the better.

Then i went to work 4 to cl(11) and Nathan was working. Always fun because we have the must fucked convos. This time it was about how we need to blow up A&W, we were planning it out then your supervisor walked by and was like WTF. SO yeah is A&W blows up i am sure Nathan and i will be to blame. We also were talking about an magnetic car system. that you have cars made out of light material and only the plates are metal and have a magnet to pull the car. There were alot of flaws and we decided that the light power pod idea was better.

i hate it when this happens.

So which one is more important if both is no lt possible. Ones self happiness or the happiness of others(friends). Also are they truly friends if they would block something that could make me happier. But would i be friend being self and going for it when i know there would dissapprove and be hurt by it.

It really suck. I think simply it seems right and make sense. Thinking simply would he for myself. Now once i come back into reality and think of my friends and the way they think and feel it almost feela wrong amd that it would be hurting them.

But i want both and i know that cant happen here. I will need to make a choice of who side i am on or to stay in the middle. Also idk if i am i. The middle i believe i have picked a side with wanting to say it. Ugh. Why are ppl stupid and hold hatefully feelings towards ppl it is stupid.

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