VENT & UPDATE

Hey i'm back blogging again, what a surprise I guess. This post is just to vent like most people, then at the end of this I have a little surprise/update.

So lets get the crap over with so I feel better. So I'm dating this girl, she is amazing and I love her. I really do with all my heart. I know relationships are hard and never are prefect. I know you need to be able to talk and work stuff out. The fact fights happen. Still doesn't mean it sucks any less. So everything was prefect and amazing up until her cousin started to visit. Got her to start smoking weed a lot again. The whole time we have been dating she cut down and it was more of a social thing. Like when I do it. Now her smoking weed doesn't bug me that much to be honest. It's going to be legal soon enough and all it does is make you eat something and sleep. Maybe slow down your reaction time. It was the drug I enjoyed in high-school don't care to much for it anymore nor do I have any hate for it. What bugs me about it is that she can't balance it. She went from working extra hours and getting her shit inline to getting loans again leaving early from work and everything being a mess. Which from experience makes you want to do it more cause everything is a mess. Let's just escape it. Which is a problem in it's self. Nothing I can't fix and or handle to help her get back on track. Cause she has goals and places she wants to get too. It's hard to break out of routine more so when someone puts you back into it. now that leads to the second main problem which is really my only issue.


The ex boyfriend:

Dude is a piece of shit that hit her, cheated on her (she cheated on him so I can't say much), used her, treated her poorly. She dated this scum for two years, as he put her down and made her think everything was her fault. Even tho she was the one working paying for everything. There drugs, there smokes, food, rent, like everything. I have been there paying for everything its a hard job to do. Even harder when instead of being grateful that person is putting you down making you feel like you don't do enough and doesn't trust you. Cause of him they never had a proper place to stay cause he would steal from whoever would house them. To sell the items for weed. (another person who can't balance his drugs.) so after two years of this scumbag she finally leaves him and we get together. Again thinking is going on track. She moves back in with her mom, not the funnest thing to do but is what it is. Now that the cousin got her back into doing weed more again she started to hang out with an old friend. Well I don't want to say he lives there but dude seems to always be there. So her ex is that this house with her friend. Alright it happens. I just ask her to tell me if anything happens. Of course it puts me in a bad mood cause they had a bad break up. But now she is hanging out with him again and looks like they are texting. She tells me not to worry and that everything is fine. That she loves me and that is it. She could never cheat or lie to me. I honestly believe her. Doesn't mean I trust or like him. Plus the fact of how I feel when she hangs out with him. What makes it worse is she sees him almost more then she is seeing me now. Like we see each other everyday but that is at work. Outside of with i might get to see her three times a week she seeing him almost everyday. Now yes her friend is there but he was a friend to both of them. Also in my last two relationships my ex's cheated on me with there ex's which doesn't help. But trying not to over react and freak out I am trying to treat this like he is any other friend she has. So I tell her okay have fun with your friends text me after, or okay sounds good talk to you later then shit like that. When she is with her friends she normally okay with it. She'll still text me a little. Mean while it kills me inside knowing she is with him and she gets mad at me when I tell her not to text me when they are hanging out. Cause all it does is make me worry more. Puts me into a bad mood. Cause all I feel is i'd prefer to be with my ex that she doesn't want me. I know that is not the case. I know this could be solved easily by me telling her not to hang out with him. But I am not that person. I will not or cannot tell her who she is allowed to be around. I just want her to be happy. But I don't want to be the fool anymore that just gets hurt at the end. But i can't see how after everything this asshat did to her she could handle being in the same room as him. Let alone hanging out with him and talking to him. Unless she still has feelings for him some how. Which I could understand before she dated him they were best friends. Truth be told I don't know how long they have been friends. All I want to do is cut his throat open and watch and the life drips out of him slowly. I barely know the guy. Mean awhile she is out getting high with him. Which was what there relationship was pretty much based on. So yeah what happens when he tries to get her back. I don't know.

What I hope more then anything is that she kicks him in the balls and leaves and tells me. What I think would happen is she would push it off and just him being high and nothing happens and he keeps trying. The more we fight over this the more likely she will just go back to him. Now normally people would fight over the fact their boyfriend is controlling and doesn't let her talk to people and so forth. But that's not the case we are fighting cause her seeing him puts me in a bad mood and I tell her to have fun with her friends and to message me if something happens. We are fighting cause she things I don't want to talk to her. From that I take it that she thinks I don't want her. I'm not sure. What is happening for me like I have said above is that my heart can't handle the fact she is with him and talking to her when shes there hurts me more then any cut or punch or physical pain could ever do. I need her to make the choice by herself. It hurts even more then she chooses to go over there after we talk about it. Even when I know that is what she will choose.

She is the girl of my dreams, The girl I can see myself marrying. The girl I can see a life with. I get mad with myself that my insecurities that cause this. That if I trust her so much it shouldn't matter who she is with. That if what she says is true and that she does love me she wouldn't do anything cause she wants to be with me and she wouldn't risk it. Yet even knowing all that I can't stop worrying. Every time I get that text or she tells me she is going there. Is this the day where I lose the love of my life. I have never been so scared to lose something. Never been so threaten by another. I have never felt so insecure in myself as I do when I hear that. I just want her to be happy. I hope that she will just see that I am not going anywhere she doesn't need to escape, she doesn't need a back up plan. What I want to build with her and help her see. Is that when everything is done she won't even need me. Ideally she will just want me. Cause right now she needs someone. I feel like she is afraid to all in with me. She asks to go through my stuff and I let her. I have nothing to hide. In fact once I post this she will read this so she knows. She is the only other person that can unlock my phone. She can post stuff for me. I don't know what else to do to let her in and feel safe. I see my friends maybe once every two weeks minus people from work. She sees friends every day. Like my life is really just work, my masonic stuff, and her. Then I try to fit things in for other people. Like work socials or hangout out with family or whatever it may be.

I know I am a big adjustment compared to that scum of an ex, I think what kills me is that I know she misses things from it. I know she wished I smoked weed more, or that we had the same taste is shows or something. She went from being with a guy she knew everything about to with someone she is still learning about. Its not easy. But as long as she doesn't lie or cheat we can make it work and move forward. I just want her to be happy. I'm sure she won't be after reading this. She will be mad at me, she will feel sad. She might cry. She will think she is a bad person. She will feel a lot of emotions.

But all I want her to know is that I love her with all my heart, that I want her in my life and that if anything she is my princess. She is my baby girl, that she is my love, my best friend. my everything. I want her to feel safe with me and know she can trust me. Know that I won't leave her just cause times are tough or we get in a stupid fight. IF anything she will get more mad cause I will want to talk and work it out.  Okay I feel better i got to write this all down and express how I feel in this moment where I feel like a mess and that I could be losing the best thing that has happened to me.


As for the surprise:

I am going to be posting a blog post soon ( I promise) about the seven deadly sins. I know I have posted a couple blog posts about them. But I never go into enough detail for it. I feel it need more. So expect a giant post about the seven sins. Since i haven't posted since 2013 I think. I doubt anyone follows this anymore compared to when I had thousands of people looking. Well that's all for tonight. later

So my plans atm...

As the title says theses are my plans for the moment, First move out of the apartment and get back into my parents place... not a huge fan of this but its for the best. From there i need to redo the whole basement. Once that is done i need to pay off my credit card, then save for school and go to school. During this time there is me having a social life and getting my tattoos i want. Once school is done and over with pay off and student dues i have. from there i need to look for a better job and have a social life. Once either find a better job or i save up enough money to move to Italy. what ever comes first. Once i make it to Italy i will live in the family house to start with as i find a new job and start making a new life. Once that is set up i can keep the family house or i can get a new one. That is my very basic plan so far.

So it has come to this...

Title really means nothing, lol just always wanted to say that. http://xkcd.com/1022/


Now, Haley is gone and so is almost all my stuff. I don't really care though. When i tell someone what happened they ask me why didn't i take her to court, why did i let them take my stuff, why didn't i do this, or why did i do that. Its simple i don't care. Everything she took as a material object. It can all be replaced. In the big picture i lost nothing. I still have my apartment if i want it, i have my family and friends around me, and i still have me job. What have a lost, the answer nothing with real value. What has me mad, even after i let her live there for free. yes meaning i paid for everything. She has the nerve to talk bad about me on facebook. what a bitch, not only did she try to talk shit about me on facebook she had to remove me as a friend first. Yeah bitch i watched porn on your laptop, fuck that. i have my own laptop plus i was dating you and working all the time. i would like to know when i had the chance too. Since you basically hung around my damn neck. Grow the fuck up. Honestly the only time i used your laptop was to do virus and malware checks for you cause of all the shit you download. Since we broke up no one has been checking your computer so no wonder it crashed. Grow up thats it. your gone from my life and so is your family have got to bitch at A&W once your done. Leave me alone, don't talk about me, talk to me, or anything. I am happy that you are wrong and out of my life Haley.


So i guess there is no point in hiding it since your going to read this and know this part is about you, I am glad that your part of my life again. I missed you and still care for you. Blogger was the only way i was able check up with you. since i only post here and there i am still out of the loop. I am happy that your continuing with post secondary although i am sad that your not in the area. When your here we do need to hang out and i hope things turn out well. As long as you want too i will not turn on you. We have gone through it before. I will always stand by your side.

LMFAO one paragraph is all hate and like i want this bitch out of my life and i am glad she is out. The other is about how i am happy i have this person back in my life.

Last thing i need to decide is do i keep the apartment or not.

Start Over

So, its bit awhile hasn't blogger. How has my life been since my last post well its almost been a year. If i were to fill you in on every little thing this might take awhile. So lets just do some highlights.

Family:

  - My parents are doing well and are looking into buying a house and moving out of the co-op i grew up in. It will be nice to see them owning their own place instead of just renting something.

-My sisters:

  -Andrea( or Andy) is doing well last year of high school and looks like she will be graduating. She has two jobs. One at Tim hortons and the other at Booster juice. Booster juice has offered her a promotion to supervisor or manger if she leaves Tim Hortons. But it is up to her.

   -Nakia is just about to start High school. So young, to be that age again. She spent her summer at a Cadet summer training camp. She enjoyed it. I think she enjoys the money more tho.

-My brother:
 
  - William moving up another grade. He turns 12 in feb and then he will be joining Cadets as well.

School:

   - Not much as been done on this. I still want to go to school. But working and relationship shit plus living on your own makes it hard. Still my goal to go though.

Work:

   - Work has been going pretty well. I have been promoted twice. From crew to Team leader and team leader to Supervisor. Next step for my is Manger then GM. Where i can save money and go to school and leave fast food hopefully. They have sent me to a new location. Which is closer to my place.

Relationship:

   -Well Haley and I Dated for 1 year and 7 months. Living together for a year and a month. It been full of ups and down. But on Aug 16/12 Her and I broke up. It was all the little things that finally broke me down. We never really talked about anything important or had a deep conversions. She was happy if i hugged her and laughed at her dump jokes. They were bad. Every once and awhile she had a good one tho.  We really didn't have much in common. Interests wise, personal traits we had a lot of similar negative ones. The laziness, lying, and much. But the difference is i am changing that or at least trying. She never did the little cleaning things. The apartment is always a mess cause she will get to it later. But if i try and clean i get yelled at its my job to clean. Fuck just do it then. After a year she finally gets a job. She only works like one shift a week. They try and call her in and she says no. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK i work 42 hours a weeks. you work fucking 6 and a half. Grab the fucking shift and make a little more money so you can help out. Did you think i was going to pay for everything for ever.  I don't know how many times she has lied to me but i caught her on two big ones. First was school, she lied about going to class and so on. I knew she was lying but i figured the more i make a big deal about her grad the more she will try in school.... well i was wrong. I dropped over three bills on it and she failed and the only reason she told me was cause she got tickets and it would be hard to tell everyone not to go to her grad for no reason. The second one was after we broke up. She is still living here cause she has no family in the city. So being the nice guy i am gave her a month to move out. Well that changed when i figured out she already likes another guy and she had the fucking balls to bring him back to my apartment. She didn't know i knew that she liked him and shit. but yeah we got into a fight about that where she lived to me over and over again. So she has to be out by this sunday now. She wants us to be together then why the fuck is she looking for another guy, fuck that. After that fight she talked to him all night. He can have her, good luck man and enjoy my sloppy seconds.  But yeah over all i was unhappy and i can't wait for her to leave now.


Apartment:

    - Well Since Haley and I broke up ^. She is taking her shit and leaving. Which kinda sucks cause the:
        -Bedroom set
        -47" flat screen tv
        -Coffee table
        -China cabet
        -bookself
        -pot ware & dish ware
        -PS3
        -entertainment stand
        -lazyboy chair
        -The other chairs
        -card table
Are all hers. Now how did she afford all of this. When she turned 18 she got 20K, I told her that she could do what she wants with it. Although i suggested and told her what i would do is save it and maybe spend max 5K. She blew it all in 2-3 months.

   So this is where the "start over" comes in the next couple of months will be me and my roommate rebuilding the apartment. saving some money up and buying the things we need and so on.  I wouldn't want it any other way cause i don't want to fight for this shit, i want her gone so she can take it and leave. i have no problem rebuilding.


So yeah, Its a fresh start.

Family should be understandable, i have two days off a week. In those two days i need to try and have a social life, spend time with my girlfriend, pay bills, try and visit my parents, my grandparents, and Haley's grandparents. Plus you know sleep and there is transportation and getting grocery and house work. Get the people giving me that hardest time is my family i get 48 hours a week to do all that. the rest of the week i am working 9 hour shifts (overnight) then sleeping. To top it all off when i do get visit my family all they want to do is lecture me and question what Haley and I are doing and your plans. -end rant

Visit

So i am going to see my parents for the first real visit. I don't know how its going to go but we will see i guess.

Life update

Sooo its beeen way tooo long since i have posted something. Lets get started then, so reflecting on my last post Nicole and i are still not friends and i dont think thats going to.change. I owe her $70 cause the hotel fucked up how many days i said i was staying. So thats her part back. I am going to give it to her first when i have it and when i have time since i work almost 44 hours a week on overnight. Plus hold a social life kinda, dealing with bills, relationship, family, and sleep.

So as i mentioned bills thats right i got my apartment. Took long enough. But yeah it did set back school. I have to wait until haley gets a job or welfare and i can get on osap. Before i think about college. Which sucks cause i want to go. I miss school as funny as that sounds i like being busy.

The job at A&W yeah that title fuck it they wouldn't give it to me because i am on nights. But i asked to be on days aslong as i can get the hours. I was even willing to do nights and days. Which sucks cause i was doing that for a bit. But yeah you do what you gotta do right. Although i might get a job at best buy i got to bug the guy(Justin) tomorrow to see if the GM there is going to call me. I hope they do cause best buy is starting pay $15 an hour and benefits.

Joe and i might become friends again if i can push pride aside and say i am sorry. I miss the kid as a friend even if he is an wreck sometimes.