VENT & UPDATE

Hey i'm back blogging again, what a surprise I guess. This post is just to vent like most people, then at the end of this I have a little surprise/update.

So lets get the crap over with so I feel better. So I'm dating this girl, she is amazing and I love her. I really do with all my heart. I know relationships are hard and never are prefect. I know you need to be able to talk and work stuff out. The fact fights happen. Still doesn't mean it sucks any less. So everything was prefect and amazing up until her cousin started to visit. Got her to start smoking weed a lot again. The whole time we have been dating she cut down and it was more of a social thing. Like when I do it. Now her smoking weed doesn't bug me that much to be honest. It's going to be legal soon enough and all it does is make you eat something and sleep. Maybe slow down your reaction time. It was the drug I enjoyed in high-school don't care to much for it anymore nor do I have any hate for it. What bugs me about it is that she can't balance it. She went from working extra hours and getting her shit inline to getting loans again leaving early from work and everything being a mess. Which from experience makes you want to do it more cause everything is a mess. Let's just escape it. Which is a problem in it's self. Nothing I can't fix and or handle to help her get back on track. Cause she has goals and places she wants to get too. It's hard to break out of routine more so when someone puts you back into it. now that leads to the second main problem which is really my only issue.


The ex boyfriend:

Dude is a piece of shit that hit her, cheated on her (she cheated on him so I can't say much), used her, treated her poorly. She dated this scum for two years, as he put her down and made her think everything was her fault. Even tho she was the one working paying for everything. There drugs, there smokes, food, rent, like everything. I have been there paying for everything its a hard job to do. Even harder when instead of being grateful that person is putting you down making you feel like you don't do enough and doesn't trust you. Cause of him they never had a proper place to stay cause he would steal from whoever would house them. To sell the items for weed. (another person who can't balance his drugs.) so after two years of this scumbag she finally leaves him and we get together. Again thinking is going on track. She moves back in with her mom, not the funnest thing to do but is what it is. Now that the cousin got her back into doing weed more again she started to hang out with an old friend. Well I don't want to say he lives there but dude seems to always be there. So her ex is that this house with her friend. Alright it happens. I just ask her to tell me if anything happens. Of course it puts me in a bad mood cause they had a bad break up. But now she is hanging out with him again and looks like they are texting. She tells me not to worry and that everything is fine. That she loves me and that is it. She could never cheat or lie to me. I honestly believe her. Doesn't mean I trust or like him. Plus the fact of how I feel when she hangs out with him. What makes it worse is she sees him almost more then she is seeing me now. Like we see each other everyday but that is at work. Outside of with i might get to see her three times a week she seeing him almost everyday. Now yes her friend is there but he was a friend to both of them. Also in my last two relationships my ex's cheated on me with there ex's which doesn't help. But trying not to over react and freak out I am trying to treat this like he is any other friend she has. So I tell her okay have fun with your friends text me after, or okay sounds good talk to you later then shit like that. When she is with her friends she normally okay with it. She'll still text me a little. Mean while it kills me inside knowing she is with him and she gets mad at me when I tell her not to text me when they are hanging out. Cause all it does is make me worry more. Puts me into a bad mood. Cause all I feel is i'd prefer to be with my ex that she doesn't want me. I know that is not the case. I know this could be solved easily by me telling her not to hang out with him. But I am not that person. I will not or cannot tell her who she is allowed to be around. I just want her to be happy. But I don't want to be the fool anymore that just gets hurt at the end. But i can't see how after everything this asshat did to her she could handle being in the same room as him. Let alone hanging out with him and talking to him. Unless she still has feelings for him some how. Which I could understand before she dated him they were best friends. Truth be told I don't know how long they have been friends. All I want to do is cut his throat open and watch and the life drips out of him slowly. I barely know the guy. Mean awhile she is out getting high with him. Which was what there relationship was pretty much based on. So yeah what happens when he tries to get her back. I don't know.

What I hope more then anything is that she kicks him in the balls and leaves and tells me. What I think would happen is she would push it off and just him being high and nothing happens and he keeps trying. The more we fight over this the more likely she will just go back to him. Now normally people would fight over the fact their boyfriend is controlling and doesn't let her talk to people and so forth. But that's not the case we are fighting cause her seeing him puts me in a bad mood and I tell her to have fun with her friends and to message me if something happens. We are fighting cause she things I don't want to talk to her. From that I take it that she thinks I don't want her. I'm not sure. What is happening for me like I have said above is that my heart can't handle the fact she is with him and talking to her when shes there hurts me more then any cut or punch or physical pain could ever do. I need her to make the choice by herself. It hurts even more then she chooses to go over there after we talk about it. Even when I know that is what she will choose.

She is the girl of my dreams, The girl I can see myself marrying. The girl I can see a life with. I get mad with myself that my insecurities that cause this. That if I trust her so much it shouldn't matter who she is with. That if what she says is true and that she does love me she wouldn't do anything cause she wants to be with me and she wouldn't risk it. Yet even knowing all that I can't stop worrying. Every time I get that text or she tells me she is going there. Is this the day where I lose the love of my life. I have never been so scared to lose something. Never been so threaten by another. I have never felt so insecure in myself as I do when I hear that. I just want her to be happy. I hope that she will just see that I am not going anywhere she doesn't need to escape, she doesn't need a back up plan. What I want to build with her and help her see. Is that when everything is done she won't even need me. Ideally she will just want me. Cause right now she needs someone. I feel like she is afraid to all in with me. She asks to go through my stuff and I let her. I have nothing to hide. In fact once I post this she will read this so she knows. She is the only other person that can unlock my phone. She can post stuff for me. I don't know what else to do to let her in and feel safe. I see my friends maybe once every two weeks minus people from work. She sees friends every day. Like my life is really just work, my masonic stuff, and her. Then I try to fit things in for other people. Like work socials or hangout out with family or whatever it may be.

I know I am a big adjustment compared to that scum of an ex, I think what kills me is that I know she misses things from it. I know she wished I smoked weed more, or that we had the same taste is shows or something. She went from being with a guy she knew everything about to with someone she is still learning about. Its not easy. But as long as she doesn't lie or cheat we can make it work and move forward. I just want her to be happy. I'm sure she won't be after reading this. She will be mad at me, she will feel sad. She might cry. She will think she is a bad person. She will feel a lot of emotions.

But all I want her to know is that I love her with all my heart, that I want her in my life and that if anything she is my princess. She is my baby girl, that she is my love, my best friend. my everything. I want her to feel safe with me and know she can trust me. Know that I won't leave her just cause times are tough or we get in a stupid fight. IF anything she will get more mad cause I will want to talk and work it out.  Okay I feel better i got to write this all down and express how I feel in this moment where I feel like a mess and that I could be losing the best thing that has happened to me.


As for the surprise:

I am going to be posting a blog post soon ( I promise) about the seven deadly sins. I know I have posted a couple blog posts about them. But I never go into enough detail for it. I feel it need more. So expect a giant post about the seven sins. Since i haven't posted since 2013 I think. I doubt anyone follows this anymore compared to when I had thousands of people looking. Well that's all for tonight. later